James faces surprising opponents as he searches for healing his emotional trauma with EMDR. His final assessment arrives and he has to face it without Rowle.
Written and Narrated by Rajiv Narang
Musical Score Composed by Rajiv Narang
Thank you for listening.
Keywords: fantasy, fiction, adventure, science fiction, friendship, story, action, mental health, mystery, Toronto, psychological exploration, self-discovery, fantasy fiction, supernatural
James faces surprising opponents as he searches for healing his emotional trauma with EMDR. His final assessment arrives and he has to face it without Rowle.
Written and Narrated by Rajiv Narang
Musical Score Composed by Rajiv Narang
Thank you for listening.
Keywords: fantasy, fiction, adventure, science fiction, friendship, story, action, mental health, mystery, Toronto, psychological exploration, self-discovery, fantasy fiction, supernatural
The Lost Books
Angel of Aphelion
Episode Nine - EMDR and the Bluebird
In James's room in The Black Crucible…
Rowle knocks on the open door. "Can we talk about what happened during your Kendo training?" "Okay," says James. Rowle enters.
"Were you that intimidated by the man?" asks Rowle. "No," says James. "It was the light behind him. As soon as I saw it, I felt... dread gripping my body... like darkness was coming." He feels uncomfortable now just talking about it. "I don't really know what happened after that. I do know that I never want to feel that again."
"I may have something that can help," says Rowle.
"Sometimes powerful uncomfortable emotions become connected to an experience. They can be too much to handle all at once and so they aren't processed in a healthy way. You may not even be consciously aware of the connection. But you see, hear, smell, taste, or feel something… and those unprocessed uncomfortable emotions come rushing back. In this instance, you saw a light. I want to show you a way to process those uncomfortable emotions — if you want to learn it."
"Show me, please," says James.
"It's called EMDR — eye movement desensitization and reprocessing," says Rowle. "Sit comfortably. Now, just move your eyes and relax the rest of your body. Look to your left…." James turns his head. "But keep your head still," says Rowle. "Sorry," says James. "Move only your eyes and look to your left. Now look to your right. Good, James. Just like that... look back and forth from left to right. A little faster," and James speeds up his side-to-side glances.
"Excellent. Now... Can you remember what it felt like when you saw that light? Can you call up that memory? If it's easier for you, you can close your eyes." James closes his eyes. "Focus... can you recall the details?" asks Rowle. James pictures the Kendo warrior and the light on the wall.
"Yes," says James. And as he answers, the Kendo swordsman disappears, and all James can focus on is that light. His heart starts to race.
"That fear… it's coming back," says James.
"Hold that memory… sit gently with your feelings… and now move your eyes from side to side," says Rowle.
James does so.
"For the next twenty to thirty seconds, hold that memory and the uncomfortable feelings around it as you move your eyes. Allow that fear to be… don't resist it. Don't suppress the fear. Just be there with it…" says Rowle. James continues to move his eyes left and right… and feels the fear lessen as his breathing returns to normal.
"Just a few more seconds, James."
"Okay. Open your eyes," says Rowle. James opens his eyes with a sense of relief.
"That's amazing," says James.
"It may take another session. Sometimes, if the trauma is significant, it may take five or six. But you can process those feelings and heal. This is one of the ways," says Rowle.
"Once you can bring that memory to mind without having an emotional reaction, summon that uncomfortable feeling again and let it lead you to the next memory that needs processing. Are you ready to go further?" asks Rowle. "Yes," says James closing his eyes and moving them from left to right. He sees the light on the wall again and breathes deeply. Then… something flickers past the light, casting a small shadow. "There's something there," says James.
In James's imagination, the light on the wall becomes the sun. He feels a rush. "What is it, James?" asks Rowle. "A bluebird," says James. "Follow it," says Rowle.
A bluebird lands on a country fence, and James lets it lead him to a mailbox that reads… "Sunday Farm." Then, it leads James up a dirt road to a quaint country house amid friendly fields and welcoming woods.
"I know this place," says James.
Suddenly, day turns to night, and the country house is shrouded in darkness. A single pale light barely illuminates the porch in the blackness of the night. Thumping comes from the place.
Still moving his closed eyes from side to side, James twitches as fear courses through him. The thumping inside the house now rattles the welcome wreath on the front door.
"This was my home when I was a child," says James. "I don't know if I can go any further." "You don't have to," says Rowle. But James presses on, stepping onto the porch.
The front door swings open, slamming into the side of the house. James, lying in his room, turns his head in fear as Rowle watches over him.
A young James, barely five years old, is thrown out through the farmhouse door. He falls on the porch. The door slams behind him, and the little boy's fear increases. A lock CLICKS, and the boy throws himself against the door. "Dad! Please! Let me in!" the boy pounds on the door as he looks at the surrounding blackness. James's right-hand twitches as he lies in his bed. "Please! Dad! I'm afraid of the dark!" says the boy as he looks up to the only source of light — the single pale porch light gleaming against all that blackness. "Please," says the boy. The porch light goes out. The boy, drenched in sudden complete darkness, draws a single breath, then balls himself up on the floor with his face against the door. "Dad… I'm afraid, please, I don't know what I did."
James breathes heavily as he lies there, moving his eyes from left to right. The boy's voice echoes, "I don't know what I did. I don't know what I did." And as James continues his EMDR, the voice becomes less and less afraid. James's breathing returns to normal. He opens his eyes.
"That was a memory... of mine," says James.
"I want you to recall that memory again and use EMDR to reduce its emotional intensity until you can hold that memory in your mind while feeling perfectly calm… free of any uncomfortable emotions. We can do this for an hour once or twice a week," says Rowle. "You did well, James."
In the Judo Gym...
James practices throwing and being thrown with the judo sparring partner. Red Sky calls for them to stop, then steps in and has James adjust his technique. She steps back and has him try the throw again. "Yes! Like that!" she says. She steps back to Rowle as the sparring continues. "He's ready to have some other sparring partners," she says.
Three men and one woman, all in blue judogis, enter the gym and line up to face James: a barrel-chested man 100 pounds over James's weight, another man with shoulders shaped like cannonballs, and a woman and man who are smaller than James, but in their walk James can see a spring-like bounce giving away their cat-like agility.
Red Sky calls for them to trade throws -- one by one -- with James.
Later in the day...
James, Rowle, and the masked warrior stand in a field. "I thought we'd try a different terrain today," says Rowle. Twenty yards away is a stone gazebo. Next to it, the dancing lights of a portal appear. Out of them walk Nether, K, Carissa, Shen, Eli, Asha, and Dee. James lights up at the sight of them. They wave.
"All right," says Rowle. "We'll up it to two-minute rounds now. Begin." The Masked Warrior attacks with the padded sticks swinging at a blurring speed. James maintains his composure, managing to evade or block half the blows. The group watches. "He's getting better!" beams Eli.
The round ends. "We've been at this stick training for several sessions," says Rowle. "Now what?" asks James. "Now he'll attack with any strike or kick he chooses," says Rowle. The Masked Warrior puts down the sticks. He faces James. "Begin," says Rowle. The Masked Warrior flies forward, launching a punch that James easily avoids. "Come on, full speed," says James to the Masked Warrior. "That was full speed, James," says Rowle. The Masked Warrior fires strike after strike and combination after combination, but James avoids every blow. "Time," says Rowle. The Masked Warrior pants at James. "What did that feel like, James?" asks Rowle. "Ownership," James says teasingly at his training partner. The Masked Warrior lunges at James; James, chuckling, gets out of the way.
The group, profoundly impressed, gathers around him with congratulations and admiration.
"Why don't we all eat together?" says Rowle. "I'll get cleaned up," says James. K, still sucking on the same lollipop he started when James first entered the Crucible, pats James on the shoulder. "I need to get back, James. Bring me back something, will you?" he says, and Shen nods. K steps through the portal, and the portal disappears.
"Let's eat," says Nether.
In James's room at The Black Crucible…
James towels dry his wet hair as the room to his door opens. It's Dee. "I'm sorry," says James. "Was I taking too long?" "No," she says.
"I'm almost ready," says James. Dee slides off her jacket, and he can't help but notice her statuesque beauty.
"Have you had your memories returning like you hoped?"
"I saw something… myself as a boy... my old house… and… I feel like… like I'm standing on the edge of a memory," he says." But…"
"It doesn't feel like a happy memory," says Dee.
"Yeah," he says.
"You've been working so hard, James." He feels a release brought to the surface by her comforting acknowledgement.
She clasps his forearm, then gently caresses it.
"Maybe you've done enough. Why don't you come back now with me? I know you feel lost. But…" Dee links her fingers with his. "We could be lost together."
James gives his head a shake to prevent tears from forming. He wants to give in to this moment... to her.
"I'm sorry," says James. "I... I can't be lost with you." He pulls his hand away. Dee nods silently and goes. In the hallway outside James's room, Dee braces herself against the wall.
In the Dining Hall…
Having finished their meal, a portal opens, and K steps out. "All done? Let's go." Shen hands K a bountiful plate of wholesome foods. K's eye light up. "Thanks, brother!" he says.
The group says their goodbyes and goes, but Asha lingers. Dee steps into the portal, but before the dancing lights carry her back, she sees Asha kiss James goodbye.
In the Upstairs Lounge of the Library…
The group returns. K closes the book. Dee walks out to the hallway, into her room, and slams the door. She paces… fuming… and sees the dream cards on her bed. She grabs one and is immediately surrounded by shadows. Her eyes burn red. Clutched in her hand, the dream card glows as a message scrolls across it. Dee reads… "I bring the revolution. I bring the night." And she transforms… into Lume.
At the Black Crucible…
James and Rowle walk together down the hall. "It was good to see everyone," says James. "I've been worried about them since…." "Since you heard the about Lume?" finishes Rowle. "Yeah," says James. "Sometimes I get so self-absorbed, it's hard to imagine other people's hardships. How bad was it?" asks James.
"Lume's Revolt? It left its mark," says Rowle. "None of them ever saw Lume themselves, but the pain and anger were passed down."
"I've been to Lume's old story," says Rowle. "The one thing I know for certain… everything isn't as it seems. Lume was phenomenally dangerous. But, it always felt like there was something the Old Watch wasn't telling me."
"Lume's power was increasing. They thought it was the most powerful thing ever freed from a lost book. They hadn't even seen its full power yet," says Rowle.
"Can I ask you something?" says James. "And, please, don't take this the wrong way. If you're as talented as everyone says you are… why is it taking so long? Why haven't you liberated hundreds of people by now? Or thousands?"
"It isn't easy to change one's entire life," says Rowle, "and healing happens as a process." "That's why it might take time for them, not for you," says James. "If I'm the one who's so afraid, why are you the one who's so cautious? Time may pass differently here. But time out there, Rowle… is finite. I'm sorry. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I've just run out of patience for half-steps," says James.
"Did they all have… hard lives?" asks James. "Nether, K, Shen, Eli, Carissa?"
"In a sense, they're all orphans… looking for that ultimate safety… that home… that sanctuary… friendship… unconditional belonging. Home. They want that for themselves. And they want it for each other. Sometimes I think every one of them would do anything if it meant they could give that to the others.
But have you ever wondered why the New Sanctuary they talk about is imagined at a distance? There's a trauma in belonging being just out of reach. What if — instead — we reclaimed our belonging and made it here and now? What if we healed all the wounds that tell us the ways we don't belong.
That's my dream, James, for them, for you, for all the lost people in all those lost books — to heal all the wounds that tell us the ways we don't belong.
"I want them to be free, truly free, and that means… healing," says Rowle.
James trains in an open sparring session with the Kendo swordsman. The Grandmaster, Red Sky, and the warrior in the black mask watch.
"He won't attack… his occasional attempts lack any commitment… He's good… at running away," says the Grandmaster. "He's defending well, but he's still afraid of engaging," says Red Sky.
The sword training session ends. Joshi hands James a towel.
"Your promotion assessment is approaching quickly. Will you be ready?" the Grandmaster asks James. "You will not be allowed to continue here if you fail."
"He'll be ready," says Red Sky.
Rowle enters. "Where have you come from?" asks the Grandmaster. "I was just getting some advice," says Rowle. "From who?" asks the Grandmaster.
"James," says Rowle, gesturing for James and the masked warrior to spar.
"We've taken advantage of your fear, that healthy part of it that functions as a defence mechanism, applying it to your evasion. But now, you need to step beyond the fear and engage your opponent. "I don't know how," says James as he dodges a jab. "Yes, you do," says Rowle. "No, I don't," says James, stepping out of the way of a kick. "Yes. You do," insists Rowle.
The Masked Warrior launches another jab; James leans back out of the way, then follows with a lead strike of his own which lands squarely on the Masked Warrior's chest with a SMACK. The Masked Warrior is surprised. James is surprised. The Grandmaster lets an "Oh…" slip, pointing at James. "Shoulder tag!" shouts James as he recognizes the same motion he learned in the game. "Shoulder tag," says Rowle.
Red Sky tries to conceal her amusement from the Grandmaster.
In the second-floor lounge of the Library…
Nether, K, Shen, Eli, Asha and Carissa sit at the table with the book in front of them. "Now we go in to see him at the end of his training," says K. Nether grumbles.
Two blocks down the street from the alley of the Library is a building. A sign reads The Schoolyard...
Inside... some forty ruffians are gathered around Bale and Odette. They hear the sound of great wings flapping. In the middle of their circle lands Lume — massive and terrifying. They're too stunned to move. Lume transforms into Dee. Odette falls back into a chair.
James settles into his bed. "Okay…" he says, closing his eyes and remembering the Sunday Farm. He starts moving his eyes from side to side. "-- the bluebird flies past, and a new memory rushes at James. Two books, one missing a cover, fall onto a table. James has Ready in his arms at the front door as the books tumble to the floor. He looks out into the blackness of the alley, glances to the Library one last time, and then runs — with Ready in his arms — down the alley. A single pale streetlight breaches the darkness.
James opens his eyes.
"Rowle! I remember the night I left with my son. I had Ready in my arms… I think I just came out of a book…." "What book?" asks Rowle. "I didn't see the title. There were two of them, and one didn't have a cover…" says James. "Two books, one without a cover…" says Rowle. "I think I know what three of three means. I have to go back to the Library. Listen to Red Sky," says Rowle. "I'll see you after your promotion test." James rolls out of bed and turns to Rowle — but the room is empty. "Rowle?" says James.
James lies down, closes his eyes, and continues his EMDR session.
In the sun-gleaming yard of the Sunday Ranch…
James sees himself as a little boy beside his father, Mr. Sunday. His father tries to smile, but a tiredness behind his eyes makes James think of stormy weather. Mr. Sunday points to the bluejay on their fence.
"You know the bluebird is fascinating," says his father. 'It has a defence mechanism. A talent. It can copy the sound or song of another bird. Often to protect itself, it'll copy birds of prey… an owl, or a crow, or a falcon. The one that frequents our yard has the call of a grey-shouldered hawk. That bluebird started its life with such a wide array of vocalizations — it would sing and chirp and whir. It had its whisper song. Now it only makes the sound of what it was afraid of. Sometimes I wonder if it can ever even remember its own tune."
The bluebird flies past, and James follows it to an old pick-up. Up at the house, a door SLAMS. The startled little boy steps away from the truck as someone walks toward it, gets in, and starts it. James's father approaches the truck: "Dad. Please wait," says Mr. Sunday, but the vehicle pulls away. "Dad! Please!" The truck goes. "Please…"
Mr. Sunday sits on the porch steps. James finds himself standing over his father, studying the sadness on his face. He watches the 5-year-old James run across the yard and away. A fresh tear spills down his father's cheek. James sits beside him. "It's alright, Dad," he says as he gently pats the back of his father's hand. "It's alright. It's alright."
James lies in his bed in The Black Crucible, his hand gently patting the bed. "It's alright," he says.
In the courtyard...
James practices his pattern with light falling all around him. As James moves, he feels his confidence, power, and joy coursing through his entire body.
Joshi appears. "James," he says. "It's time." And then Joshi hands James a note. It reads: "Whatever happens now, I'm proud of you." Signed... Rowle.
The Grandmaster leads James out of a corridor into the great gymnasium. "Today, you are tested to see if you've completed this training phase successfully and are ready to move on. It's as much a test of your teachers' performance as it is of yours," says the Grandmaster.
Several people stand watching, including Red Sky, the Four Headmasters, the Kendo swordsman and his three proteges in grey, Joshi, the warrior in the black mask, all the Judoka James trained with, and… Harley. James suddenly feels a little nervous. He wasn't expecting so many people. He wasn't expecting to see his old teacher. James walks out to the centre of the mat next to the masked warrior, and they bow respectfully to the gathered audience. Red Sky gives him a supportive smile. The two opponents face each other.
"Grandmaster," says Harley. "Surely, James is familiar with his training partner by now. Wouldn't it be better to see what he can do against a different opponent?" "Oh-oh," says Joshi.
"That would be unusual for a student at this point in their training," says the Grandmaster. "Respectfully, Grandmaster, there is much about his acceptance into The Black Crucible that has been unusual," says Harley. "My former student didn't want to do it my way. Your friend didn't want you to do it your way. Perhaps we should put their methods to the test."
The Grandmaster smiles. "Seems you offended your former teacher, James," he says. "And I think he wants to spar with you. How do you feel about that?"
"I trust the training my team has provided," says James. The Grandmaster nods, and Harley takes the masked warrior's place.
An eerie feeling washes over James. "Bow," says The First Headmaster. The two bow to one another as tension ripples through the audience. "Begin!" shouts the Headmaster. The two circle each other.
Harley places drops his hands and holds his chin out to James, taunting him. James doesn't react. Then, his former teacher puts his hands behind his back. James circles but does not attack.
Harley, getting angry, launches a combination of punches and kicks at James. But James evades all but a few of them. "You don't belong here," says Harley launching another blistering attack. This time James counters, landing a blow squarely on Harley's chin. Harley counters but is unable to land a blow.
Harley grabs a bokken sword from a row of weapons behind him. Simultaneously, on the sidelines… Red Sky and The Kendo Swordsman step forward to defend James, but The Grandmaster signals them to stop.
The Four Headmasters stand…
Harley strides back onto the mat. James sees a single bright light shining on the wall behind Harley and feels a rush of adrenaline course through his body. He fixates on that light. Harley raises the bokken sword high overhead as he lunges at James. James steps forward into the path of the blow and into the man unleashing it. As Harley brings the bokken blade down, James catches Harley's sword hand in his, turns, and throws Harley hard into the ground with a resounding THUMP. James stands over him. In one hand, James holds the sword; in the other, he controls the arm of the defeated fighter at his feet.
Red Sky and the Kendo Swordsman feel the rush of James's victory. The Four Headmasters are awash with surprise at how far James has come. They stand and, with the Grandmaster, applaud James.
"Congratulations on the successful completion of your promotion test, James Sunday. You have done well and proven yourself to be in skillful hands," says the Grandmaster.
"I am grateful to Rowle, Red Sky, and all my training partners and teachers, including Harley," says James. "And to Joshi."
Red Sky walks out to James with Joshi beside her. He carries two items, and when they reach James, the Judoka takes the first, a badge with an insignia, and presents it to James.
"Your primary training is complete. You are now a full-fledged member of The Black Crucible, and as such, you are welcome to train in all disciplines and methods offered here. You can ask any master for assistance, and you are connected to the lineage of its students and teachers," says the Grandmaster.
Red Sky beams with pride as she hands James a pale blue belt. "Congratulations, James Sunday," she says. He bows. "Thank you," he says.
In his room, James stands staring at himself in a mirror. On his arm is the new badge. Around his waist is the new yellow belt. He gleams and bristles with newfound pride and confidence.
The portal of dancing lights appears in the centre of the room, and from it, K emerges. "We need to go, James," he says.